Ode To My Expectations

Do you remember being little? More specifically pertaining to myself, do you remember being a little nerd? Do you remember thinking to yourself, "Okay... so I don't really have it all going for me right now, but S O M E D A Y..." The dot. dot. dot. was the most important part of this thought.  Within this dot. dot. dot. you could dream of whatever fulfilling, mind-boggling, self-centered expectation that would make you seem totally, 100%, authentically pure awesome.  Those thoughts comforted this young nerd as I struggled through finding my place in the crazy jungle of growing up. I, consciously and subconsciously put thousands of expectations on myself that made "grown up Meg" seem ridiculously successful, wealthy, popular, and by all means, drop dead GORGEOUS!

As I lounge here in my over sized sweats, hair pulled back, no makeup, remnants of my three children stuck all over myself, i realize that all those expectations can really build a girl up for feeling like a total failure.  All of those plans we make as children, or even as young adults, just seem like a misleading first chapter in our autobiographies. We trick ourselves into thinking that we'll be happy if we could just. . . (there's that dot. dot. dot. again) We will be content if we could only have. . . We would really feel worthy if we accomplished. . . dot. dot. dot. Not all expectations are corrupt, but they can be a dangerous comfort in a realistic world of falling short and falling down.

At this most crucial and delicate phase in my life, I am learning to cut out those dots. With the precision of a well-seasoned surgeon, I am expunging those unhealthy expectations right out of my mind and replacing them with something of far more value.  Something that will bring me more wealth, happiness and contentment than I ever thought possible. The simple element of JOY!

I have a tremendously amazing husband.  Far more intelligent, attractive, and skilled in the art of fly fishing than I ever dreamed possible, he fathers our children with such fervor, he knows how to grill, fix stuff and he's not afraid of dish soap.  We have so many joys within our marriage, I want to roll around in them like my 3 and 5 year old boys do to a pile of leaves. Despite our conflicts, differences and failures, there is JOY!

I have 3 beautiful children, 2 boys, Noah (freshly 5) and Benjamin (almost 3). And my sweet baby girl Lillian (10 months). The days are filled with boogers and crumbs and poopy and tantrums and stubborn, defiant battles of the wills. But there is so much JOY! The laughter, the giggles, the silliness, the accomplishments, big and small! The amazingly deep questions that provoke and antagonize the kid in me to remember simpler times. 

My family has their health, my husband is gainfully employed, there is food in our bellies and clothes on our backs, the roof over our head, although rented and small, is there and it keeps the rain out. Joy! The details of my life are not exactly as I imagined they would be when I was planning my adulthood years ago.  The disappointments have come, done their damage and left their scars.  But I am ready to be joyful. I am ready to live the life that I have been given and be grateful for the blessings God has showered over me.  I have struggled through some dark spots and gotten lost a couple of times. But I am still joyful, and I am still smiling.